Emotional Abuse 6: Types (2)

9. Emotional blackmail: The abuser will play on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, and other emotional buttons to get what they want. This could include threats to reject you, abandon you, end the relationship, or even commit suicide. Such people will use any type of fear and emotional tactics to control your emotions. When they realize that these tactics won’t work, they move to the next stage, the silent treatment.

10. Silent treatment: silence is another form of denying. It includes refusing to communicate and emotionally withdrawing from the other person as punishment. Hence it is called the silent treatment. In this case, all your effort to make a connection with the person will be met by silence.

Sometime, you will not get an answer to even simple questions like, Do you want tea? The problem is after half an hour after you have made tea for yourself, the person will come strolling in and will throw a bigger tantrum for not getting tea. It can include:

• Distancing/isolating from a person, for example, by walking out of the room immediately after the person enters a room or shortly thereafter.
• Not replying to your queries or questions and locking in a separate room.
• Walking around as though you don’t exist at all.
• Avoiding eye contact
• Looking at the person with an air of disgust. Although “not speaking” is a manipulative tool often favoured by narcissists, not everyone that uses silence abuse is a narcissist.

The victim is usually unaware that it is a highly destructive form of emotional abuse. The abuser withdraws affection, love, and respect from the victim for an indefinite period. This behavior will go on for a day, a week, a month or even longer. At the end of the torture, the person expects you to accept him/her with open arms without any complaints or queries. The only way to counter this behavior is to look happy and not affected by the behavior. If the abuser knows that you are being affected, he/she will increase the duration of the silence and do it more often to disturb you more.

11. Money game: If you are a homemaker (and have no income), your spouse will keep sole control over all of the money. If you are working, you will find that there will be a “my money” and “your money” type discussion. Initially, you might give in, because you are used to the concept of “our” money. But later on you will realize that you are the one who is spending money on all the requirements—your’s your spouses, your kids, and household expenditure.

The moment, you realize what is happening and try to get things into control, the abuser gets out of control. He/she will refuse to make any expenses for you or the kids. Might spend some money in groceries or things they like, but otherwise, they openly crib about money.

Example: Suraj and Bijli both are well-to-do professionals working with well known MNCs. Suraj appears to be a charmer, but in reality is an emotional abuser. Bijli realized it only after the birth of their child. Till then she did have the feeling that something was wrong, but could not pinpoint the problematic area.

Now, Bijli takes care of all her expenses and that of her teenage son’s. Every time they plan a vacation, Suraj agrees to it under the condition that she pays for herself and their son. According to him, he has no bank balance, and Bijli has absolutely no idea about his financial condition. Recently things got so bad that Suraj refused to pay up or support in funding for his daughter’s medical coaching class. According to him she should do home science instead of making them spend money on coaching classes and professional courses.

On the other hand, Suraj gives counseling to his sister and brother regarding their kids further education and tells them how a good coahing class can make all the difference for cracking an entrance exam.

With this kind of dual behavior, no one will actually believe that Suraj is not bothered about his daughter’s studies when he takes so much time and effort to counsel his nephew and niece.

12. Irresponsible behavior: Doing every chore and duty in the marriage is the responsibility of both the partners. Not assisting in any work relating to the household, family, or children. Adding to the burden by making cutting remarks about how poorly you manage the children/household. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking. Sometimes, the abuser also displays drastic mood changes which are damaging especially to the kids.

13. Sexual. Most of the time, the abuser, especially the husband treats his wife like a sex object. He is rough, self-centered, degrading, an/or forceful in expressing his sexuality. If his wife shares an opinion about a certain behavior, he will ensure to do it—so that she does not complain further.

Example: Jasmine is extremely allergic to cigarette smoke and she the smell of alcohol repelled her. So she requested Imran, her husband to avoid coming to her in the night smelling of a cigarette or of alcohol. She also took the efforts to explain. Unfortunately, the sick man did not even try to understand why she made the request, inspite of knowing her condition pretty well. Imran ensured to go to her smelling of a cigarette and alcohol. As a result of which Jasmine would go on a sneezing bout as soon as he came close to her.

What Imran did not understand is that Jasmine wanted to make life easier not only for her but for him as well. Instead, he thought of this as a command from her (rather than a request and a suggestion) and ensured to do what she requested him not to, to show her who the “boss” was. When a husband exerts his power and control sexually, it is both physically and emotionally abusive! It is a total turn off!

Emotional Abuse 5: Types (1)

Various ways in which the emotional abusers indulge in abuse are as follows:

1. Never apologetic: Most of us may occasionally say things in anger that sometimes hurt our partners. Normal human beings (those who are not abusive) are immediately filled with regret and concern for the pain they have caused to their partners. Since the relationship is important to them, they apologize and ensure never to behave that way ever again. However, the abusers never apologize because everything they are say and do is on purpose.

2. Rejection: Your spouse can reject you in many ways, but unfortunately, you may not even be aware of it. If your spouse displays the following behavior, it means he/she is rejecting you:

• Refuses to acknowledge your presence or worth.
• Praises self
• Talks about the others as superior to you
• Devalues your thoughts and feelings
• Makes fun of you in public
• Does not pay any attention to you
• Is not bothered even if you display any medical conditions.

In short, they pretend that you don’t exist in their life and non-verbally tells you that you are not a part of their life.

3. Verbal assaults: In a verbal assault, the abuser may try to degrade, insult, ridicule, criticize, and/or threaten you. It may not be a direct communication but in a manner of complaint to others. Criticizing, name-calling or/and joking, especially in front of others, create a lot of embarrassment to any person undergoing it. If your spouse indulges in such behavior it not only causes embarrassment to you, but eventually erodes your identity, dignity, and self-worth.

• Why do you spend so much on clothes, you don’t look good anyway.
• I am tolerating you; no one else could love you.
• Your friends and family just want something from you.
• I drink to tolerate you.
• I will die in two years. Let me see how you live and take care of the kids.
• You don’t know the first thing about raising kids.

The abuser usually tags the criticism and insults as a joke and manipulates the situation by saying that the others do not understand humor. This only shows off what type of the person he/she is. Who will respect a person who always looks for ways to criticize the spouse in public. So, don’t react to these allegations.

4. Accusing and blaming: The accusing and laming begins when the person wants to deny his or her own shortcomings. If your spouse other always blames everything on someone else, especially you and /or the kids, this may be a bad sign. If the abuser throws a tantrum or makes a verbal attack, he/she will say it was because of you. It is not a sign of a healthy relationship if your partner never takes responsibility and never admits to being at fault.

• Does your spouse accuse you of something that you both know is not your fault?
• Can your spouse laugh at a joke made at him/her?
• Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or any circumstances for their mistakes?
• Do they call you names or label you to degrade you?
• Is your spouse sensitive to your feeling when it comes to others making fun of you?
•  or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
• Do they have trouble apologizing?
• Do they blame you for their problems, concerns, issues, and unhappiness cause by their own doing or undoing?
• Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?

 5. Denial: Emotional abuse in the form of denial can be in the following manner:

• Denying your emotional needs with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating you.
• Denying most of the events occurred or said by saying, “I never said that, I did not do this, I did not say anything to anyone, I don’t know what you are talking about, etc.
• The abuser may deny your perceptions, memory, and even question your sanity.
• If friends or relatives call the abuser with a plan for a get-together or outing, they will often reply that they need to take your approval. Then, they call back with a denial giving the feeler to your friends or relatives feel that you are the one who are no approving any activity.

6. Humiliation and criticism: If someone calls you derogatory names, even if they say they are joking, it is a mean and unkind thing. Can understand kids doing it, but adults doing this must be insane or mentally unfit. Abusers cover themselves by blaming you, saying that you need to take things sportingly or that you are too sensitive.

• Does your spouse often make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
• When doing so, does he/she use sarcasm to put you down or degrade you?
• When you complain do they say that it was just a joke and that you are too sensitive?
• Do they blame you for not being sporting enough to take on the personal joke (which in reality is humiliation)?
• Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings about the situation is “wrong?”
• Do they regularly ridicule, dismiss, and/or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?

You are not too sensitive; you are feeling in your gut that this is not the way you should be treated.  Abusers have a way of making you think that this is normal behavior and that it is you who has the problem.

7. Manipulation: An abuser is a grand manipulator. He/she will:

• Try to make you feel guilty for all your actions.
• Will try to assert what is right for you.
• Will sulk, threaten to leave and emotionally punish you for not going along with his/her idea of how things should be or what should be done.
• Appear to be apologetic and loving but this remorse doesn’t last long.
• Place unreasonable and unrealistic demands, wanting you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
• Deliberately argue and being in constant state of conflict. The person may be addicted to drama since it creates a sense of excitement.

8. Domination and control: The abusers may not have the dominant type personality, but has a hidden desire to dominate. They will stoop down to any level to show their domination and control over you by:

• Constantly correcting you saying that your behavior is inappropriate.
• Treating you like dirt and as though you are inferior to them. In reality, things may be just the opposite.
• Acting and speaking as though they are always right (even if they are not).
• Reminding you of your shortcomings (even if your’s is one-tenth of theirs).
• Crushing your accomplishments, aspirations, plans.
• Giving disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, and condescending comments.

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