Gifts for My Daughter

Gifts for My Daughter.

Day 3: Innsbruck (not yet complete)

After a great lunch at an Indian restaurant, we set to explore the city of Innsbruck. Innsbruck, the capital of Tyrol, is spread out along the banks of the River Inn. With the charming meadows nestled against the snow-capped mountains, the city of Innsbruck is a beautiful sight.

Our orientation tour of Innsbruck included: Goldenes Dachl (Golden Roof), Hofkirsche, St. Anne’s Column, Stadtturm, Triumphpforte, and Helblinghaus.

How Safe am I?

This was written by my daughter when she was about 13 years old and blogged it when she was about 15….. I share her sentiments. Unfortunately, the concern is valid even now (she will be 17 in a few months)

soumyajp

How safe am I? People usually question them themselves about safety when they become big enough to be aware of problems around them. But unfortunately, this is a question a female may start to ask when in the womb of the mother, “Mother am I safe?” I am now almost 15 years old. Old? No!! I have been on this world only for 15 years now. All along my life so far I have never seen my parents lament that they have had a daughter. In fact they have always supported me in all the activities I wanted to do, been proud of me, and have motivated me to do better. I know that they are proud of my little achievements be it winning a dance competition in our society or winning the best speaker of the class at school, they are proud of all little things I…

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Why Do People Get Suicidal Feelings

Whenever I read about cases of suicides, especially by kids, teenagers, or celebrities, I have often wondered what must have prompted them to take such an extreme step of ending their lives.  What pain did the child or teenager have to undergo (apart from study problems, extreme discipline, or love related matter) to take this drastic step?

The recent news about the suicide by 25 year old actress Jiah Khan shocked me no end. She was one of those lucky actors who started her career at a very young age with Mr. Amitabh Bacchan. She was young, beautiful, had a head start in the film industry. Why did she end her life? News stated that she was depressed since some time as she had no acting assignments in hand. Later, a six-page letter found by her family, indicated that the Jiah may have committed suicide over a failed relationship. In the letter, Jiah accused her boyfriend of cheating on her. She stated: “If you’re reading this I might have already left or about to leave. I am broken inside.”

Broken inside. This is the major problem and culprit. A person who is broken inside, lives in depression. A person who lives in depression does not have the any positive thoughts a healthy person will have.  The unfortunate truth is that you may feel broken because of various problems in life—rejection, pain, loss of love/money/family, abuse, panic, failure (at work, studies, love, etc.), disciplinary issues, social/school problems, not allowed to do what you want, no freedom, no family/home support, etc. This mental imbalance will not allow you understand the options available to help you relieve your suffering.

Just as different substances have different boiling points, different people have different tolerance levels (breaking points). Some loose heart very fast where as some others have a more tolerant level. But ultimately we all are human beings. Once you go through the painful experiences, the heart breaks, and depression sets in. You may begin to believe that you are useless, unwanted, unloved, and unneeded. Faced with an unbearable situation, unsolvable difficulties, overpowering feelings of guilt, failures or conflicts, feeling of being unloved and unwanted, you may start to think that life has not done justice to you. So you are likely to feel alone, withdrawn, sad, depressed, and irritable.

Repeated painful experiences will make your distress seem unbearable. It can break you completely. It can lead you to blame people or yourself to the extent that you can no longer see why you should go on living. Death seems to be your only option. That is exactly what pushes you into committing suicide. From being broken inside to taking the decision of ending your life is indeed a painful journey.

It is understandable to be angry with people who have hurt you. If you have been badly hurt by someone close to you, you may be thinking of suicide as a way of getting back at them and making them feel guilty by your loss of life. But at that moment, what you don’t understand is that suicide turns that anger on yourself as you are thinking of destroying yourself and the people very close to you. The person who has hurt you will NOT be affected. If the person had to feel guilty he/she would have felt it after hurting you, when she/she realized that you were feeling hurt by their behaviour.  Why do you have to hurt yourself and the others (parents, siblings, friends, children, etc.) who love you very much. Why give all the importance to one person who is not even worthy of your attention. Why take away your life for that person?

Unfortunately, suicidal feelings can be terrifying. You are in the most vulnerable state of mind, and then, it is difficult to relate to others, let along thier feelings. Even if you have family and friends around, you may find it impossible to tell them how you feel—it could be because of guilt, shame, or simply because you feel that others will not understand you and will ridicule you.

What people need to know:

  • People commit suicide for a number of reasons. However, the majority of the people who take their lives suffer from acute depression, mental illness, and/or abuse problem at the time of their death.
  • Having said that, we also need to understand that all the people who think about suicide are not mentally sick. Most of them are fighting pain and depression. We can help such people with awareness, education, and treatment so that suicide does not become an option.
  • Most people who attempt/commit suicide don’t really want to die. They actually want to kill their pain and suffering—they want to put an to end to the pain and suffering. For such a person, the desire to stop suffering is more stronger than the desire to live. During the vulnaerable moment, suicide seems to be the only way to do it…at that moment, the person feels that there is no reason to continue living.
  • Chronic depression can lead to feelings of despair, loneliness, lovelessness,  hopelessness and helplessness.  Some people choose to express these desperate feelings by attempting suicide.
  • Never ignore a suicide attempt. It is a cry for help and is a warning that something is terribly wrong in their lives. Without intervention and proper treatment, a person who has attempted suicide is at greater risk of another attempt and possible suicide.

Shine at Work: Guidelines II (1-6)

  1. Get a feel of the big picture

After having spent some time in an organization try to relate to various processes and the related activities.

    • Get an understanding about the organization, their business, products, and customers.
    • Understand your role in the department.
    • Learn how to do the tasks that are part of your role.

Get a feel of the big picture and see how your job/project/work assignment relates to the big goal/target. Then, you will have a better understanding of your job responsibilities. This will widen your perspective and vision. Relating it to the big picture will help you enrich your job.

2. Understand the business

Try to read and get an understanding about the organization. You can increase your knowledge about your organization by understanding

    • What their business and products are?
    • What is their vision?
    • Who are the customers?
    • What are your company’s goals and objectives?
    • What is your company’s role in the marketplace?
    • What do your customers expect?
    • What makes them happy and keeps them coming back?

3.  Be positive

Do not take reviews and feedback personally. It is the review of the project, not about you! Don’t start viewing the reviewer as a personal enemy. The first thing you have to learn is to separate the person from the issue or the problem. Don’t see them as one.

 If your boss tells you that you have to improve in some area, don’t think that your boss has something personal against you. Instead, make an effort to make an improvement in that area. Use the inputs to improve your performance, be more productive, and perfect.

Apart from this, you should also:

    • Be courteous and treat others as you would like to be treated.
    • Ask for help when you need it. You don’t need to be ashamed of it.
    • Recognize your personal strength and maturity.
    • Be truthful, honest and maintain your integrity.
    • Believe in your ability to do the job well.
    • Show respect for yourself and others.
    • Be enthusiastic about your work.
    • Smile, be friendly and expect positive results.

4. Create your own identity

When you enter an organization, the setup already exists—the organizational culture, the people, and the work processes are already in place. It is up to you to create your own place and space to become part of the existing setup. It is up to you to take the initiative, become a friendly, reliable, dependable, and useful member of the team.

You must understand your potential, the requirement of the team, and then work towards making a place yourself in the team. This will help you create your own identity.

5. Have the right attitude

Come to work each day with a smile on your face, treat others with respect. Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it. How you approach your day has a direct impact on you and the others. Having the right attitude constitutes of many factors, the most important are:

    • Do not insist that you are right and that others are wrong
    • Do not point fingers at the others. If you have made a mistake, owe it up. It will only show you off as a reasonable person who is brave and true enough to owe up a mistake.
    • Do not try to create tension between team members.
    • Communicate the project related information with the team members. Do not hide information (what are you going to do with it anyway? Make project pickles?)
    • Do not lie to your superiors about your team members or to your team members about your boss. Remember all these will boomerang and will come back to you with a larger impact.
    • Do not take credit for work that was not done by you or for the other’s work on sly.
    • Follow protocols. If you have to report to a team lead, do it instead of making efforts to report to the manager in various other ways.
  1. Be a Team Player

Team players work effectively with others to achieve common goals.

    • Take on the task that needs to be done, whether or not the task is part of your job description. It does not have to b assigned to you.
    • If you have time, try to help a co-worker (if there is a need for help) on a project. You will learn something new and also gain a reputation as a helpful team member.
    • Share information and knowledge with your team members.
    • Support and encourage your co-workers.
    • Respect the diversity of opinions and experiences of your co-workers.

 

Emotional Abuse 5: Types (1)

Various ways in which the emotional abusers indulge in abuse are as follows:

1. Never apologetic: Most of us may occasionally say things in anger that sometimes hurt our partners. Normal human beings (those who are not abusive) are immediately filled with regret and concern for the pain they have caused to their partners. Since the relationship is important to them, they apologize and ensure never to behave that way ever again. However, the abusers never apologize because everything they are say and do are on purpose.

2. Rejection: Your spouse can reject you in many ways, but unfortunately, you may not even be aware of it. If your spouse displays the following behaviour, it means he/she is rejecting you:

  • Refuses to acknowledge your presence or worth.
  • Praises self
  • Talks about the others as superior than you
  • Devalues your thoughts and feelings
  • Makes fun of you in public
  • Does not pay any attention to you
  • Is not bothered even if you display any medical conditions.

In short, they pretend that you don’t exist in their life and non-verbally tells you that you are not a part of their life.

 3. Verbal assaults: In a verbal assault, the abuser may try to degrade, insult, ridicule, criticise, and/or threaten you. It may not be a direct communication, but in a manner of complaint to others. Criticizing, name-calling or/and joking, especially in front of others, create a lot of embarrassment to any person undergoing it. If your spouse indulges in such behaviour it not only causes embarrassment to you, but eventually erodes your identity, dignity, and self-worth.

  • Why do you spend so much on clothes, you don’t look good any way.
  • I am tolerating you; no one else could love you.
  • Your friends and family just want something from you.
  • I drink to tolerate you.
  • I will die in two years. Let me see how you live and take care of the kids.
  • You don’t know the first thing about raising kids.

The abuser usually tags the criticism and insults as a joke and manipulates the situation by saying that the others do not understand humor. This only shows off what type of the person he/she is. Who will respect a person who always looks for ways to criticize the spouse in public. So, don’t react to these allegations.

4. Accusing and blaming: The accusing and laming begins when the person wants to deny his or her own shortcomings. If your spouse other always blames everything on someone else, specially you and /or the kids, this may be a bad sign. If the abuser throws a tantrum or makes a verbal attach, he/she will say it was because of you. It is not a sign of a healthy relationship if your partner never takes responsibility and never admits to being at fault.

  • Does your spouse accuse you of something that you both know is not your fault?
  • Can your spouse laugh at a joke made at him/her?
  • Do they make excuses for their behaviour or tend to blame others or any circumstances for their mistakes?
  • Do they call you names or label you to degrade you?
  • Is your spouse sensitive to your feeling when it comes to others making fun of you?
  •  or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
  • Do they have trouble apologizing?
  • Do they blame you for their problems, concerns, issues, and unhappiness cause by their own doing or undoing?
  • Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?

 5. Denial: Emotional abuse in the form of denial can be in the following manner:

  • Denying your emotional needs with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating you.
  • Denying most of the events occurred or said by saying, “I never said that, I did not do this, I did not say anything to anyone, I don’t know what you are talking about, etc.
  • The abuser may deny your perceptions, memory, and even question your sanity.
  • If friends or relatives call the abuser with a plan for a get together or outing, they will often reply that they need to take your approval. Then, they call back with a denial giving the feeler to your friends or relatives feel that you are the one who are no approving any activity.

 6. Humiliation and criticism: If someone calls you derogatory names, even if they say they are joking, it is a mean and unkind thing. Can understand kids doing it, but adults doing this must be insane or mentally unfit. Abusers cover themselves by blaming you, saying that you need to take things sportingly or that you are too sensitive. 

  • Does your spouse often make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
  • When doing so, does he/she use sarcasm to put you down or degrade you?
  • When you complain do they say that it was just a joke and that you are too sensitive?
  • Do they blame you for not being sporting enough to take on the personal joke (which in reality is humiliation)?
  • Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings about the situation is “wrong?”
  • Do they regularly ridicule, dismiss, and/or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?

You are not too sensitive; you are feeling in your gut that this is not the way you should be treated.  Abusers have a way of making you think that this is normal behavior and that it is you who has the problem.

7. Manipulation: An abuser is a grand manipulator. He/she will:

  • Try to make you feel guilty for all your actions.
  • Will try to assert what is right for you.
  • Will sulk, threaten to leave, and emotionally punish you for not going along with his/her idea of how things should be or what should be done.
  • Appear to be apologetic and loving but this remorse doesn’t last long.
  • Place unreasonable and unrealistic demands, wanting you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
  • Deliberately argue and being in constant state of conflict. The person may be addicted to drama since it creates a sense of excitement.

8. Domination and control: The abusers may not have the dominant type personality, but has a hidden desire to dominate. They will stoop down to any level to show their domination and control over you by:

  • Constantly correcting you saying that your behaviour is inappropriate.
  • Treating you like dirt and as though you are inferior to them. In reality things may be just the opposite.
  • Acting and speaking as though they are always right (even if they are not).
  • Reminding you of your shortcomings (even if your’s is one tenth of theirs).
  • Crushing your accomplishments, aspirations, plans.
  • Giving disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, and condescending comments.

continued…