Emotional Abuse 5: Types (1)

Various ways in which the emotional abusers indulge in abuse are as follows:

1. Never apologetic: Most of us may occasionally say things in anger that sometimes hurt our partners. Normal human beings (those who are not abusive) are immediately filled with regret and concern for the pain they have caused to their partners. Since the relationship is important to them, they apologize and ensure never to behave that way ever again. However, the abusers never apologize because everything they are say and do are on purpose.

2. Rejection: Your spouse can reject you in many ways, but unfortunately, you may not even be aware of it. If your spouse displays the following behaviour, it means he/she is rejecting you:

  • Refuses to acknowledge your presence or worth.
  • Praises self
  • Talks about the others as superior than you
  • Devalues your thoughts and feelings
  • Makes fun of you in public
  • Does not pay any attention to you
  • Is not bothered even if you display any medical conditions.

In short, they pretend that you don’t exist in their life and non-verbally tells you that you are not a part of their life.

 3. Verbal assaults: In a verbal assault, the abuser may try to degrade, insult, ridicule, criticise, and/or threaten you. It may not be a direct communication, but in a manner of complaint to others. Criticizing, name-calling or/and joking, especially in front of others, create a lot of embarrassment to any person undergoing it. If your spouse indulges in such behaviour it not only causes embarrassment to you, but eventually erodes your identity, dignity, and self-worth.

  • Why do you spend so much on clothes, you don’t look good any way.
  • I am tolerating you; no one else could love you.
  • Your friends and family just want something from you.
  • I drink to tolerate you.
  • I will die in two years. Let me see how you live and take care of the kids.
  • You don’t know the first thing about raising kids.

The abuser usually tags the criticism and insults as a joke and manipulates the situation by saying that the others do not understand humor. This only shows off what type of the person he/she is. Who will respect a person who always looks for ways to criticize the spouse in public. So, don’t react to these allegations.

4. Accusing and blaming: The accusing and laming begins when the person wants to deny his or her own shortcomings. If your spouse other always blames everything on someone else, specially you and /or the kids, this may be a bad sign. If the abuser throws a tantrum or makes a verbal attach, he/she will say it was because of you. It is not a sign of a healthy relationship if your partner never takes responsibility and never admits to being at fault.

  • Does your spouse accuse you of something that you both know is not your fault?
  • Can your spouse laugh at a joke made at him/her?
  • Do they make excuses for their behaviour or tend to blame others or any circumstances for their mistakes?
  • Do they call you names or label you to degrade you?
  • Is your spouse sensitive to your feeling when it comes to others making fun of you?
  •  or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
  • Do they have trouble apologizing?
  • Do they blame you for their problems, concerns, issues, and unhappiness cause by their own doing or undoing?
  • Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?

 5. Denial: Emotional abuse in the form of denial can be in the following manner:

  • Denying your emotional needs with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating you.
  • Denying most of the events occurred or said by saying, “I never said that, I did not do this, I did not say anything to anyone, I don’t know what you are talking about, etc.
  • The abuser may deny your perceptions, memory, and even question your sanity.
  • If friends or relatives call the abuser with a plan for a get together or outing, they will often reply that they need to take your approval. Then, they call back with a denial giving the feeler to your friends or relatives feel that you are the one who are no approving any activity.

 6. Humiliation and criticism: If someone calls you derogatory names, even if they say they are joking, it is a mean and unkind thing. Can understand kids doing it, but adults doing this must be insane or mentally unfit. Abusers cover themselves by blaming you, saying that you need to take things sportingly or that you are too sensitive. 

  • Does your spouse often make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
  • When doing so, does he/she use sarcasm to put you down or degrade you?
  • When you complain do they say that it was just a joke and that you are too sensitive?
  • Do they blame you for not being sporting enough to take on the personal joke (which in reality is humiliation)?
  • Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings about the situation is “wrong?”
  • Do they regularly ridicule, dismiss, and/or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?

You are not too sensitive; you are feeling in your gut that this is not the way you should be treated.  Abusers have a way of making you think that this is normal behavior and that it is you who has the problem.

7. Manipulation: An abuser is a grand manipulator. He/she will:

  • Try to make you feel guilty for all your actions.
  • Will try to assert what is right for you.
  • Will sulk, threaten to leave, and emotionally punish you for not going along with his/her idea of how things should be or what should be done.
  • Appear to be apologetic and loving but this remorse doesn’t last long.
  • Place unreasonable and unrealistic demands, wanting you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
  • Deliberately argue and being in constant state of conflict. The person may be addicted to drama since it creates a sense of excitement.

8. Domination and control: The abusers may not have the dominant type personality, but has a hidden desire to dominate. They will stoop down to any level to show their domination and control over you by:

  • Constantly correcting you saying that your behaviour is inappropriate.
  • Treating you like dirt and as though you are inferior to them. In reality things may be just the opposite.
  • Acting and speaking as though they are always right (even if they are not).
  • Reminding you of your shortcomings (even if your’s is one tenth of theirs).
  • Crushing your accomplishments, aspirations, plans.
  • Giving disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, and condescending comments.

continued…

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