Gifts for My Daughter

Gifts for My Daughter.

Emotional Abuse 8: What to Do?

When you realize that you are the target of emotional abuse, the priority is to get your self-esteem and confidence back. back on track is a priority. Often, we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, it is quite possible we treat ourselves the same way.

  • Remember, no one ever deserves to be abused, especially not you.
  • Realize that it is a serious problem. It can be as bad or worse than physical abuse.
  • It can eventually lead to physical abuse too—it is not possible to handle both problems.
  • Consider the issue of safety—your own and that of your children. Such people are usually mentally unstable.
  • You are not to blame for your partner’s abusive behavior. That’s his or her problem. You are perfectly normal.
  • Don’t feel trapped in the relationship.
  • Learn to love and care for yourself.
  • Remove thoughts such as I am no good or I never do anything right.
  • Increase your self-esteem and be confident.
  • Take the help of your near and dear ones. Find people to talk to, who can understand and support you.
  • Consider going for counseling. If possible, convince your spouse to go as well.
  • Trust yourself and your own perceptions. Believe in your strengths.
  • Remember that you are not alone and help is available.

Handling Emotionally Abusive Relationship

In minor cases of emotional abuse, two other options may be available.

  • Resisting: Standing up against the emotional abuse and no longer being willing to be a part of to it may eventually lead to a change. Remember, for the abuser, the ultimate victory is when they have control of your happiness, can create sadness, and upset in you at any time with ease. They get a high when are able to control your emotions like a yo-yo on a string.

So, all you have to do is be emotionally strong in front of that sick person. Show that their actions don’t affect you at all, don’t break down, weep, or ask them to change/keep quiet. That is exactly the reaction they what to see. Don’t give them that happiness. Learn to resist. But unfortunately, in 80% cases, by the time the abuser realizes that he/she into an emotional abuse, it is just too late.

  • Counseling: Couple counseling and/or individual counseling, may address the destructive emotionally abusive dynamics in the marriage/relationship. Unfortunately, counseling will help only if the abuser realizes that there is a problem.

Unfortunately, most abusers don’t think there is a problem with them. According to them, the problem is with the others. This is a mental disease which does not seem to have any solution. Hence, the most obvious and simple way of handling an emotionally abusive relationship is by coming out of it. In simple words, it means leaving the marriage/relationship. Depending on how far the emotional abuse has gone, this may be the only option.

Emotional Abuse 7: Are You a Victim?

Are you depressed, sad, annoyed, anxious, and tired most of the time? Have you noticed changes in your eating or sleeping habits? Have you lost self-confidence and are unable to make decisions for yourself? If that is the case, chances are you are a victim of emotional abuse.

Here are some signs you will feel in an emotionally abusive relationship:

  1. Much as you want to, you avoid talking to your partner about a normal happening of the day—the tensions at work, your medical issues, problems with kids, renovation, purchases, etc, because you are not sure what reaction you might get.
  2. When you take an effort and talk to your spouse, he/she puts you down, asks you to shut up, or does not listen to you, and makes you feel stupid for the effort you put in.
  3. You make yourself available to your partner no matter what the personal cost, just to avoid a confrontation.
  4. You cringe at the thought of friends/family get together because you are afraid he will criticize and humiliate you in front of your loved ones yet again.
  5. You start going into isolation. You want to avoid family reunions and meeting with friends because your partner is bound to say things to make you upset and unhappy. Any a times the spouse ends up convincing you that they are the ones who are abusive to you by not taking your side.
  6. You find yourself rushing to the defense of your spouse whenever anyone says negative about him/her in a conversation. You make excuses for their behavior regardless of the situation.
  7. You begin to believe that you are the crazy one or that you are probably the one with the problem.
  8. When you or someone else talks about your accomplishment—-a promotion at work, or something exciting, your partner sneers at you, putting you down, mocking your achievement rather than celebrating it.
  9. You feel helpless and trapped in the relationship.
  10. Your partner treats you like an object, like property, not like a person with real feelings.
  11. Your partner keeps a tight control his/her things, especially money and phone.
  12. If you fight back, your significant other blames you for the abusive behavior. “If you weren’t so dumb, I wouldn’t have to yell at you.”
  13. You’ve begun to see yourself as worthless — just like your partner tells you are.
  14. You will go out of your way to please your spouse, no matter how much you have to sacrifice. If that means staying up all night to scrub the floor or spending hours trying to cook an elaborate meal. It beats the emotion atyachar.
  15. You sometimes feel as though you deserve to be treated badly because had you been a better person, you wouldn’t make your spouse so mad.

They will help you identify if you are being emotionally abused, and provide some ideas on what you can do about it.

What can you do about emotional abuse?

The priority is to get your self-esteem back on track is a priority. Often, we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, it is quite possible we treat ourselves the same way.

  •  Remember, no one ever deserves to be abused, sspecially not you.
  • Realize that it is a serious problem. It can be as bad or worse than physical abuse.
  • It can lead to physical abuse.
  • Take the issue of safety—your own and that of your children seriously. Such people are usually mentally unstable.
  • You are not to blame for your partner’s abusive behavior. That’s his or her problem. You are perfectly normal.
  • Don’t feel trapped in the relationship.
  • Learn to love and care for yourself.
  • Remove thoughts such as I am no good or I never do anything right” dominate your thought.
  • Increasing self-esteem and makes it more likely you will have healthy relationships.
  • Find people to talk to, who can understand and support you. Consider going for counseling. If possible, convince your spouse to go as well. Take the help of your near and dear ones.
  • Trust yourself and your own perceptions. Believe in your strengths.
  • Remember that you are not alone and help is available.

Emotional Abuse 6: Types (2)

9. Emotional blackmail: The abuser will play on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, and other emotional buttons to get what they want. This could include threats to reject you, abandon you, end the relationship, or even commit suicide. Such people will use any type of fear and emotional tactics to control your emotions. When they realize that these tactics won’t work, they move to the next stage, the silent treatment.

10. Silent treatment: silence is another form of denying. It includes refusing to communicate and emotionally withdrawing from the other person as punishment. Hence it is called the silent treatment. In this case, all your effort to make a connection with the person will be met by silence.

Sometime, you will not get an answer to even simple questions like, Do you want tea? The problem is after half an hour after you have made tea for yourself, the person will come strolling in and will throw a bigger tantrum for not getting tea. It can include:

  • Distancing/isolating from a person, for example, by walking out of the room immediately after the person enters a room or shortly thereafter.
  • Not replying to your queries or questions and locking in a separate room.
  • Walking around as though you don’t exist at all.
  • Avoiding eye contact
  • Looking at the person with an air of disgust. Although “not speaking” is a manipulative tool often favoured by narcissists, not everyone that uses silence abuse is a narcissist.

The victim is usually unaware that it is a highly destructive form of emotional abuse. The abuser withdraws affection, love, and respect from the victim for an indefinite period. This behavior will go on for a day, a week, a month or even longer. At the end of the torture, the person expects you to accept him/her with open arms without any complaints or queries. The only way to counter this behavior is to look happy and not affected by the behavior. If the abuser knows that you are being affected, he/she will increase the duration of the silence and do it more often to disturb you more.

11. Money game: If you are a homemaker (and have no income), your spouse will keep sole control over all of the money. If you are working, you will find that there will be a “my money” and “your money” type discussion. Initially, you might give in, because you are used to the concept of “our” money. But later on you will realize that you are the one who is spending money on all the requirements—your’s your spouses, your kids, and household expenditure.

The moment, you realize what is happening and try to get things into control, the abuser gets out of control. He/she will refuse to make any expenses for you or the kids. Might spend some money in groceries or things they like, but otherwise, they openly crib about money.

Example: Suraj and Bijli both are well-to-do professionals working with well known MNCs. Suraj appears to be a charmer, but in reality is an emotional abuser. Bijli realized it only after the birth of their child. Till then she did have the feeling that something was wrong, but could not pinpoint the problematic area.

Now, Bijli takes care of all her expenses and that of her teenage son’s. Every time they plan a vacation, Suraj agrees to it under the condition that she pays for herself and their son. According to him, he has no bank balance, and Bijli has absolutely no idea about his financial condition. Recently things got so bad that Suraj refused to pay up or support in funding for his daughter’s medical coaching class. According to him she should do home science instead of making them spend money on coaching classes and professional courses.

On the other hand, Suraj gives counseling to his sister and brother regarding their kids further education and tells them how a good coahing class can make all the difference for cracking an entrance exam.

With this kind of dual behavior, no one will actually believe that Suraj is not bothered about his daughter’s studies when he takes so much time and effort to counsel his nephew and niece.

12. Irresponsible behavior: Doing every chore and duty in the marriage is the responsibility of both the partners. Not assisting in any work relating to the household, family, or children. Adding to the burden by making cutting remarks about how poorly you manage the children/household. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking. Sometimes, the abuser also displays drastic mood changes which are damaging especially to the kids.

13. Sexual. Most of the time, the abuser, especially the husband treats his wife like a sex object. He is rough, self-centered, degrading, an/or forceful in expressing his sexuality. If his wife shares an opinion about a certain behavior, he will ensure to do it—so that she does not complain further.

Example: Jasmine is extremely allergic to cigarette smoke and she the smell of alcohol repelled her. So she requested Imran, her husband to avoid coming to her in the night smelling of a cigarette or of alcohol. She also took the efforts to explain. Unfortunately, the sick man did not even try to understand why she made the request, inspite of knowing her condition pretty well. Imran ensured to go to her smelling of a cigarette and alcohol. As a result of which Jasmine would go on a sneezing bout as soon as he came close to her.

What Imran did not understand is that Jasmine wanted to make life easier not only for her but for him as well. Instead, he thought of this as a command from her (rather than a request and a suggestion) and ensured to do what she requested him not to, to show her who the “boss” was. When a husband exerts his power and control sexually, it is both physically and emotionally abusive! It is a total turn off!

Emotional Abuse 5: Types (1)

Various ways in which the emotional abusers indulge in abuse are as follows:

1. Never apologetic: Most of us may occasionally say things in anger that sometimes hurt our partners. Normal human beings (those who are not abusive) are immediately filled with regret and concern for the pain they have caused to their partners. Since the relationship is important to them, they apologize and ensure never to behave that way ever again. However, the abusers never apologize because everything they are say and do is on purpose.

2. Rejection: Your spouse can reject you in many ways, but unfortunately, you may not even be aware of it. If your spouse displays the following behavior, it means he/she is rejecting you:

  • Refuses to acknowledge your presence or worth.
  • Praises self
  • Talks about the others as superior to you
  • Devalues your thoughts and feelings
  • Makes fun of you in public
  • Does not pay any attention to you
  • Is not bothered even if you display any medical conditions.

In short, they pretend that you don’t exist in their life and non-verbally tells you that you are not a part of their life.

3. Verbal assaults: In a verbal assault, the abuser may try to degrade, insult, ridicule, criticize, and/or threaten you. It may not be a direct communication but in a manner of complaint to others. Criticizing, name-calling or/and joking, especially in front of others, create a lot of embarrassment to any person undergoing it. If your spouse indulges in such behavior it not only causes embarrassment to you, but eventually erodes your identity, dignity, and self-worth.

  • Why do you spend so much on clothes, you don’t look good anyway.
  • I am tolerating you; no one else could love you.
  • Your friends and family just want something from you.
  • I drink to tolerate you.
  • I will die in two years. Let me see how you live and take care of the kids.
  • You don’t know the first thing about raising kids.

The abuser usually tags the criticism and insults as a joke and manipulates the situation by saying that the others do not understand humor. This only shows off what type of the person he/she is. Who will respect a person who always looks for ways to criticize the spouse in public. So, don’t react to these allegations.

4. Accusing and blaming: The accusing and laming begins when the person wants to deny his or her own shortcomings. If your spouse other always blames everything on someone else, especially you and /or the kids, this may be a bad sign. If the abuser throws a tantrum or makes a verbal attack, he/she will say it was because of you. It is not a sign of a healthy relationship if your partner never takes responsibility and never admits to being at fault.

  • Does your spouse accuse you of something that you both know is not your fault?
  • Can your spouse laugh at a joke made at him/her?
  • Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or any circumstances for their mistakes?
  • Do they call you names or label you to degrade you?
  • Is your spouse sensitive to your feeling when it comes to others making fun of you?
  •  or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
  • Do they have trouble apologizing?
  • Do they blame you for their problems, concerns, issues, and unhappiness cause by their own doing or undoing?
  • Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?

 5. Denial: Emotional abuse in the form of denial can be in the following manner:

  • Denying your emotional needs with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating you.
  • Denying most of the events occurred or said by saying, “I never said that, I did not do this, I did not say anything to anyone, I don’t know what you are talking about, etc.
  • The abuser may deny your perceptions, memory, and even question your sanity.
  • If friends or relatives call the abuser with a plan for a get-together or outing, they will often reply that they need to take your approval. Then, they call back with a denial giving the feeler to your friends or relatives feel that you are the one who are no approving any activity.

6. Humiliation and criticism: If someone calls you derogatory names, even if they say they are joking, it is a mean and unkind thing. Can understand kids doing it, but adults doing this must be insane or mentally unfit. Abusers cover themselves by blaming you, saying that you need to take things sportingly or that you are too sensitive.

  • Does your spouse often make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
  • When doing so, does he/she use sarcasm to put you down or degrade you?
  • When you complain do they say that it was just a joke and that you are too sensitive?
  • Do they blame you for not being sporting enough to take on the personal joke (which in reality is humiliation)?
  • Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings about the situation is “wrong?”
  • Do they regularly ridicule, dismiss, and/or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?

You are not too sensitive; you are feeling in your gut that this is not the way you should be treated.  Abusers have a way of making you think that this is normal behavior and that it is you who has the problem.

7. Manipulation: An abuser is a grand manipulator. He/she will:

  • Try to make you feel guilty for all your actions.
  • Will try to assert what is right for you.
  • Will sulk, threaten to leave and emotionally punish you for not going along with his/her idea of how things should be or what should be done.
  • Appear to be apologetic and loving but this remorse doesn’t last long.
  • Place unreasonable and unrealistic demands, wanting you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
  • Deliberately argue and being in constant state of conflict. The person may be addicted to drama since it creates a sense of excitement.

8. Domination and control: The abusers may not have the dominant type personality, but has a hidden desire to dominate. They will stoop down to any level to show their domination and control over you by:

  • Constantly correcting you saying that your behavior is inappropriate.
  • Treating you like dirt and as though you are inferior to them. In reality, things may be just the opposite.
  • Acting and speaking as though they are always right (even if they are not).
  • Reminding you of your shortcomings (even if your’s is one-tenth of theirs).
  • Crushing your accomplishments, aspirations, plans.
  • Giving disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, and condescending comments.


Emotional Abuse 4: Consequences

The effects of emotional abuse are cumulative and hence it keeps increasing over time. In an emotional abuse, the attack is on the self-esteem of the victim. Over a period of time, self-esteem, self-confidence, and patience are worn down. As a result, you will wonder in confusion about what is real and true.

  • Are you who your spouse says you are?
  • Are you stupid, foolish, and an idiot as your spouse says?
  • Are you lazy and a failure as a wife/husband?
  • Are you incapable of making good decisions?
  • Are your perceptions incorrect?

No, not at all, but that is what you being to feel and you also start questioning your on capability. Do you engage in self-blame and turn your anger inward? Are you angry about the injustices? Do you feel depressed, lack of concentration, de-motivated, helpless, hopeless, worthless, unloved, inadequate, incompetent, and very anxious? If yes, you are probably victim to emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse is crippling. It robs you of your self-esteem, the ability to think rationally, confidence in yourself self, and your independence. Slowly you start blaming yourself for all problems and fights. You move out of the real and true world as reality faded away, and lies take root. You feel that you have all the deficiencies, causing the problems and hence tend to excuse the abuser, and eventually accept your suffering as what you deserve.

If the words and behaviors of your spouse have caused any of the following feelings it is time to seek help:

  1. You have to do excessive follow up on your spouse even to get an important thing done. Example: You have to remind your spouse time and again about paying children’s school fee, doctor’s appointment, picking children from school, going for a birthday party, renewing the passport, paying the electricity bill, etc).
  2. You feel a sense of depression and anxiety most of the time. You don’t remember the last time you were genuinely happy.
  3. Anything you do or say will be first met with dismissal and with anger.  So, you constantly live in the fear that anything you do or say will be met with either with anger/dismissal.
  4. Your feelings and/or desires just don’t seem to matter at all. You feel like that that’s your problem. When he or she does not feel good, it is your problem too.
  5. You constantly think about saying or doing the right thing so that your spouse does not become upset and change the calm atmosphere existing in the house.
  6. You are unable to plan ahead because of your spouse’s disinterest or non-response to any plans or ideas you have, even if it about inviting friends over.
  7. Any action you take is criticized unless it is one of compliance to his/her desires.
  8. You feel as if you don’t have the energy it would take to fight back against their controlling behavior.
  9. You often live in the past—there is an inclination to review past incidents with the hope of determining what went wrong.
  10. You start distrusting people and keep maintain only the relationships where there are absolutely no issues.

One consequence of emotional abuse is that the self-worth and self-confidence of the victim is completely worn down, sometimes to the point of total hopelessness and despair. The victim may have difficulty discerning the truth. They may begin to wonder if they really are a failure, confusion is rampant. The victim begins to wonder who she can believe or who she can trust.

Emotional Abuse 3: Spotting Abusers

It is very difficult to spot the people who involve in emotional abuse. Most of the time, the abusers live a dual life—an abuser in private and a charmer in public. The abusive personality is characterized by:

  • The wish to control and dominate others.
  • The tendency to blame others for their own problems and to release their frustrations on other people
  • Verbal abuse and silent treatment.
  • An overwhelming need to take revenge and to make the others suffer for imaginary insults.
  • Always demanding respect but not respecting anyone.
  • Insisting that their needs are very important but are blind to other people’s needs.

Apart from these, there are a few characters you can observe and then decide to yourself:

  • Charmers in public: Many people live with resentful, angry, or abusive spouses who are charmers to the rest of the world as they have a totally different personality in front of the public. So much so that if their spouses complain, people often conclude that they are unreasonable, hysterical, liars, or even abusive. Such people have no trouble at all playing the sensitive, caring person when in public. But in the privacy of their homes, they are the most difficult person to live with.

If your spouse is a charmer in public, his/her resentment, anger, or abuse at home is designed to keep you from getting close enough to see how inadequate and unlovable (s)he really is. Such people use their charm and social skills to avoid and cover up their flaws. But unfortunately, this masquerade falls flat in an intimate relationship.

In fooling the public, they make a fool of you, but in the end, make an even bigger fool of themselves. Hence, when someone gets to see the real them, they distance themselves from them.

  • Liars: Usually emotional abusers are compulsive liars. They say one thing to their spouse or force them to do something and say just the opposite to the others, especially to show their spouse in a bad light. Example: Staying in a nuclear family, Rani wanted to celebrate all the festivals and follow religious rituals so that the children understand them. Rani was looking forward to celebrating Diwali. She prepared a list of what needs to be purchased—clothes, diyas, groceries, etc. Rajesh, her husband refused to purchase saying that things are expensive and they should not spend money unnecessarily.

Ranji was hurt by this. She could have walked out and bought the things. But she kept quiet because she did not want to have an argument and spoil the environment at home. On Diwali, when friends and relatives called to wish them, Rajesh told every one, “Aree, So nice that babhi prepared all that. We are not celebrating Diwali. We have not prepared anything at home and so I ordered food and sweets from out. I envy you guys” Relatives felt sorry for him and the kids and blamed Rani for not organizing things and being lazy. Not once did Rajesh say that it was his idea and not Rani’s.

Here, Rajesh forced the idea of not celebrating Diwali, but showed the outsiders that he was envious about them that they did. It also showcased Rani in a bad light which is what he actually wanted to do. It also showed the other how inefficient Rani is. According to Rajesh, he did not lie to his family or friends. He just told them about the condition at home. What Rajesh refuses to understand is that not telling the facts is lying.

  • Inferiority complex: In general, spouses who are abusive often have a profound sense of inferiority. They feel worthless and unsuccessful. Hence to prove themselves, they greatly desire the approval of their peers and others around. They strongly feel that they have a right to have their own way. They are hypersensitive to the words and actions of their own spouses and interpret their actions and words as disrespectful.

Since they may not be able to earn praise for their abilities form the others, they usually will try to show to the others how useless and worthless the spouse is. This is the only way they can “show” that they are better. When people close to them slowly see through goodness in the spouse and praise the spouse, these people tend to pull them down even more.

Example: Sunita came from a close-knit family—her parents were strict, but showered love and affection on her and her brother. When Sunita got married, she wanted to do all the household work along with the career which managed very well. She cooked, cleaned the house, spend some time every week dusting and cleaning up the house, did the laundry, ironed the clothes, helped the children with their studies, spend quality time with them, etc.

Since Sunita did all the activities in the house, she wanted Anmol, her husband to help out with the groceries. All he had to do was buy them. Sunita prepared the list, and when Anmol got the stuff, she sorted and stored them. All their friends admired Sunita—the way she ran the house, looked after the kids, encouraged their hobbies, and managed her career.

Anmol could not digest the praises Sunita earned. So whenever they had company and someone praised Sunita, Anmol would talk about how inefficient she is as she never stepped out even to buy grocery for the house and ho he had to struggle with this duty.

  • Demands respect: People who emotionally abuse their spouse demand respect and feel no need to earn it. In turn, their behavior conditions their family to fear, despise, and disrespect them. But unfortunately, they refuse to understand the reality that their own behavior is not right because of which they are losing the respect of their spouse, kids, or friends.

Example: David, Mary’s husband used to publically criticize, humiliate, and intimidate her. He never left a single opportunity to insult her in public. Infact even when friends had a few words of appreciation for her, David used to turn the talk in a negative direction. According to him, he tries to create a good environment by making a joke. What he refused to understand is that he was insulting of his wife (or making a joke of her).

Apart from this, he used disrespectful language with the kids. He made fun of his kids in public and shooed them away if they wanted to talk to him, etc. Because of his behavior towards them and their mother, and the embarrassment he deliberately caused them, the kids did not respect him as they should respect a father.

Unfortunately, it is difficult to make such people understand that to gain respect from others, they need to change their attitude and respect the others too. If they make this little change, respect will come to them on their own. After all, respect and love are mutual—give and take.

Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse rests on the premise of power and control. It eventually brainwashes the victim and wears away their self-confidence, self-worth, and trust.

Emotional Abuse 2: The Signs

When we talk about abuse, people usually think of physical abuse. About 90% of the people assume that if they are not being physically abused, they are not being abused. That is not necessarily true. Emotional abuse can happen between parent and child, husband and wife, among relatives and between friends.

Emotional abuse can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like repeated disapproval, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, emotional abandonment, silent treatment, disinterest in communicating, or even silence.

The other forms are: degradation, discounting, negating, humiliation, shaming, blaming, intimidating, dismissing, domination, control, shame, isolation, or neglect.  Whatever form it takes, the effects for the abused individual can be crippling. Initially, the victim does not even realize what is happening because nobody expects a spouse to be so abusive.

Signs to look for in abusers

Abusers will do the following:

  1. Tell lies and half-truths to avoid giving an explanation regarding their actions.
  2. Accuse and blame others, especially spouses or kids (who are readily available) to divert negative attention away from themselves.
  3. Change the subject to divert attention from themselves to others.
  4. Constantly criticizes the weight, looks, color, or the way of dressing of the spouse.
  5. Blames the spouse and makes them feel responsible for their negative feelings and/or actions.
  6. Stops the spouse from telling people about the problems between the two. But goes around telling distorted stories showing the spouse in a bad light.
  7. Use silent treatment—-keeps quite when the spouse asks a question or some information. The idea is that the spouse should not question their actions.
  8. Expects the spouse to follow them, ask what’s wrong and then pamper them.
  9. Does not apologize for any mistakes made, instead finds someone else to blame it on.
  10. Tells the spouse to do things rather than asking or requesting them to do them.
  11. Makes the spouse feel guilty when they don’t want to have sex.
  12. Physically and emotionally pressures the spouse into having sex when they cannot or don’t want to.
  13. Doesn’t accept or respect the decisions of the spouse.
  14. Drinks anytime of the day (morning, afternoon, evening, night). Gets annoyed if someone spots their stock which may even be hidden below the car seat or in the flush?
  15. Show inappropriate emotional out bursts (a form of distracting attention and shifting blame)
  16. Withhold information from those they are abusing. This gives them the control to manipulate future events.
  17. Avoid acknowledging the feelings of others, while bringing up how their emotions are being affected.
  18. Cut off the spouses when they call them and later give all possible excuses for not taking the call or for cutting it abruptly.
  19. Make the spouse feel worthless by criticizing, humiliating, intimidating, and/or making fun of them.
  20. Ask inappropriate questions or make insulting comments to evoke emotional responses.
  21. Instigate the spouse and push them so hard emotionally, to say things that they want the others to hear.
  22. Humiliate spouse in public situations to show their superiority.
  23. Slander the name, reputation, associations or activities of the spouse if they are unable to control the way they want to.
  24. Pretend to understand concerns and issues (in public) and then disregarding them (at home).
  25. Do all possible things to lower the self-esteem of their spouses.
  26. Threaten or hint of physical, mental, or sexual abuse—“I shall hit you if you don’t listen to me” “I shall kill you if you say this incident to anyone else.”
  27. Show affection and be nice when there is no other option at all, especially when they want to show off to some important person or when they feel they are trapped into a corner
  28. Make digs or jokes at the spouses, yet say “I am just kidding” while still being abusive.
  29. Refuse to accept the perspective of others while irrationally defending their own.
  30. Deny anything that he/she has done wrong (not being responsible and lying to self).
  31. Deliberately forget commitments and promises.
  32. Take advantage of vulnerabilities of the spouse.
  33. Look to eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves.
  34. Ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses from the spouse. Then tell others, “see how emotional he/she is”
  35. The actions and promises are out of alignment. They say one thing and do another.

If you have answered yes to even some of the statements (say 5), you need to be aware you are getting into an abusive relationship. If you have answered yes to all, it is high time you take some step either to rectify it (by going to a counselor) or to get out of such a relationship!!

How to quickly identify an abuser?

Some quick indicators of the personality of emotional abusers are:

  1. Low self-confidence
  2. Poor self-image
  3. Unable to feel trust
  4. Refuse to do most of the things requested by the spouse
  5. Often frustrated at nothing
  6. Lying and cheating on a daily basis
  7. Avoids eye contact
  8. Overly aggressive at home
  9. Destructive or cruel to family (spouse and/or kids)
  10. Impulsive in actions
  11. Lacks self-control  in action or speech
  12. Over-compliant
  13. Detached from spouse and kids
  14. Difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships
  15. Little enthusiasm in doing activities with family.
  16. Extremely low perseverance
  17. Lack of empathy
  18. Failure to thrive
  19. Suffers from sleep, speech disorders
  20. Demonstrates compulsions, obsessions, phobias, hysterical outbursts
  21. Alcohol abuse, but blames the habit on the spouse
  22. Negative statements about self
  23. Shy, passive or compliant
  24. Self-destructive behavior
  25. Overly demanding

If you happen to see these signs in your spouse or others, you need to understand that the person is an emotional abuser and requires professional help. Most of the time you should be emotionally prepared to leave the relationship.

Indifference in a Relationship/Marriage

Why do marriages fail? There are many reasons—lack of trust, lack of communication, disrespect, disregard, or differences with your spouse (what we usually say, “the other half”), non-compatibility, and may more .

But the reason that stands out as a major cause is something that many people are not aware of. It is indifference. Indifference in a relationship means not caring what the other person does or does not do, feel or does not feel. In short, when you just don’t care what the other person feels or is going through, you are indifferent.

A relationship can survive angry arguments, differences incompatibility, lack of communication, and/or communication problems, even disregard with some difficulty. Some couples also manage to survive lack of trust and respect in the relationship. But indifference is a bigger threat than all these. This is because 99% of the couples may not even be aware of the fact that indifference can be such a major threat in a relationship.

Why does indifference creep into a relationship?

  • Self-centered spouses are blind to the desires of their partners. For them, their own needs,  requirements, like, and dislikes are of utmost importance.

For example, an insecure husband is sometimes unwilling to communicate openly, share his problem, and seem vulnerable in the presence of his wife. Slowly, as time passes, he might not want his wife to share her problems with him, just because he does not want to share his problem. It is easy to say, I don’t trouble you with my problems, so you don’t trouble me with yours. As time passes, this slowly turns into indifference.

  • Taking things for granted: Think about the early days of your marriage (or even your courtship period). You probably did almost everything together—watching TV, doing household work, grocery shopping, banking, etc.

Unfortunately, in many cases, the spouses or one spouse start taking things for granted. Doing things together and spending time together reduces and eventually it discontinues. Instead, they start doing something else which contributes extensively to the indifference factor.

  • It has become a habit: When a partner, say you become involved in your own work and/or activities and refuse to allow your partner to be a part of it, or even share information with the spouse, the two of you begin to spend more and more time apart.  You as a couple also become emotionally separate and distant from each other.

In some case, both of you are simply too busy to talk together and to be together. After a while you may find that it doesn’t even bother you to be apart so often, probably it has become a habit and you have found a way to keep you occupied. This also slowly contributes to complete indifference. The factors which were once considered important for close, healthy, intimate, and growing relationship almost become non-existent.

  • Feeling of interference: Indifference becomes a punishment for the spouse who still cares and hence the person gets badly affected by such behavior.

Your spouse may be already indifferent, but you still are not. Their habit angers you. We all know that anger is a negative feeling, but here, it is a way of showing that you care. Unfortunately, the indifferent spouse does not realize that you are angry because you care. For them, your caring nature is a major issue because they see it as an interference—as their habit angers you, and you, in turn, start talking, even though it is in anger.

  • Stop caring: Eventually, arguing may also stop after a while because you stop caring if your partner/spouse is wrong or is doing wrong. Once you stop caring, you automatically stop interfering, and this makes them happy. You also start to feel relaxed since there is no more argument and there is peace and calm. So, you try to condition yourself not to be hurt by the words or actions of your spouse.

So we can say that trust is not at all an issue because your partner does not even care about earning your trust, affection, or respect. He/she just want to get to do what they want to do (drink alcohol when they please, take drugs, come and go as they please, buy things they want) without any cribbing or questioning from your part.

If both the partners are indifferent, there are no arguments and so it does not hurt anyone. So everything seems to be okay on the surface, to you and to the outside world. You interact every day in silence where everything seems okay because neither of you (or one of you) cares whether it is OK or not. But unfortunately what you fail to understand is that it is no longer a good relationship as it is hardly a marriage. It is dragging a dead relationship.

What to do?’

What happens when plants are not watered regularly? They wilt and eventually, they die. The same is true for any relationship (even marriages). When husbands and wives become indifferent to each other, they become almost non-existent in the other’s minds and thoughts. Because of this, the marriage is deprived of the manure that is important for growing the relationship. As a result, it withers and dies.

However, if you have made up your mind, you do not have to succumb to the devastating effects of indifference. You can follow a few simple guidelines to prevent indifference from growing to dangerous proportions. But what is important is, both the partners must whole-heartedly be involved in doing this. Even if one is disinterested, it will not work.

  1. Awareness: The simplest, yet strongest step in fighting indifference is being aware of the possibility of the existence of indifference. Be aware of some of the danger signs, such as not spending time together, communicating less frequently, having separate activities, not wanting to spend time with the spouse, not wanting to take care of the spouse, etc.
  2. Show interest: The next step is to show interest in solving the problem and that it is by showing interest in your spouse. You can improve your relationship by getting genuinely interested in your spouse, their well-being, their work, and their activities.
    1. Show keen interest and encourage your spouse to speak about things that are of concern to them.
    2. Ask questions which will let your partner know you are interested in his/her activities.
    3. Be an attentive, interested, and concerned listener. You will discover the fact that by being a good listener, you can actually fill a person’s need for respect.
  3. Avoid fragmentation. Today, the relationships are no longer a thing to be taken for granted—they are extremely complicated, fragile, and complex. Today, life and everything else associated with it is fast paced. You get so busy that you do not have time even to keep a relationship alive. As a social being, you are pressured to become involved in many different activities. Occupational, community and social demands pull us in several different directions at the same time. The result is that you feel pressured and your time and effort get fragmented. You are so busy and involved with work that you are constantly fatigued and irritable, you rarely see each other, rarely communicate with each other, and you stop enjoying each other’s company. You become terribly busy, too busy even to say a sorry or an I love you or show that you care. Then, starts the mine and your’s type of communication. This is not the way marriage is supposed to be.
  4. Forget I, say WE. Avoid my/mine and your type of talk. It is not a good marriage at all. Even if one of the spouses talks about my money, my problem, my family, my car, my time, my friends, my work, and so on, it is a difficult situation to handle (for the other spouse). But if both the spouses speak the same language, then they are moving in different directions altogether—my family, your family; my problem, your problem; my money, your money; my time, your time; my friend, your friend….. nothing seems to be theirs. Remember this behavior affects the children very badly—-they are the ones who have to face the harsh reality in either of the situations. Drop the mine and your type of behavior and start with we. These day’s people use the term “we are pregnant” instead of “my wife is pregnant” this actually shows off their togetherness.  As a rule, if you think you cannot let loose of the “mine” or “your’s” way of life, don’t get married and spoil many lives—your spouses and your children’s.
  5. Common goals:  What happens when two people stop working together towards common goals? Simple, they begin to go their separate ways. The same applies to a relationship as well, and each one of you tends to become self-centered and concerned only with your individual interests. Hence, if you are aware of the indifference in your life, try to work together toward common goals. When the two of you pursue a common objective, there will be a positive interaction. You spend time together, take care of each other, and support each other.  Thus, you will grow together instead of growing apart. Also, once the we factor enters the lives, things start getting better because you automatically start thinking we and doing things for we/us.
  6. Create joyful experiences. After a couple of years of marriage, people start taking their spouses for granted.  By doing this, many couples allow their marriages to become dull and boring.  It is very unfortunate that couples don’t realize the potential for “marriage”  to be one of the most joyful experiences in life. How can you make joy happen in your marriage? You can add joy to your marriage by a following simple exercise:
    1. Sit down with your spouse.
    2. List the things you enjoy doing in life.
    3. Ask yourselves how often you actually do these things.
    4. Make an effort to increase these fun things in your life.
  7. Renew your relation. Another way to strengthen your marriage is to renew it. Do the following exercise—the result may amaze you. Don’t crib or criticize when you do this exercise:
    1. Sit down together and decide what you do and do not like about each other.
    2. Make a list of the behaviors you would like your spouse to change. Similarly, let your spouse make a list of your behavior.
    3. Make a list of the behaviors that you would like them to continue with. Similarly, let your spouse make a list of your positive behavior.
    4. Mutually agree to eliminate those things that are causing dissatisfaction or distance in your marriage.
    5. You may not be able to eliminate all of them together, so, prioritize them, pick a few, and work on them and then address the rest.
    6. Put more emphasis on the positive aspects of your relationship by participating more often in activities and behaviors which make each other happy.

Remember, no relationship in life has more potential for bringing two people together as a marriage does. It brings in all types of joy, happiness, and bonding between a man (husband) and a woman (wife). Take baby steps to prevent marriage from deteriorating into indifference. By practicing the above-mentioned principles, it is likely that your marriage will become vital, growing, and very happy relationship.

Is it necessary to be in a loveless and bad marriage just because you want to show you don’t care? It only spoils your life. Change your behavior a bit and bring in lifelong happiness.

Emotional Abuse 1: What Is It?

When you enter into a marital relationship, you expect your emotions to be respected and nurtured. You expect to be loved, respected and cared for (and the vice versa). In a successful relationship you will find that the partners love, care, and respect each other. Even if one of the ingredients is missing, the marriage is not successful in the true sense. But what happens when abuse becomes one of the ingredients instead of these three?

Abuse is any behaviour that controls another person by means of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, manipulation, etc. When we talk about abuse, people usually think of physical abuse. About 90% of the people assume that if they are not being physically abused by their partner, they are not being abused. That is not necessarily true.

If you are in a relationship that is draining something from you, you are undergoing some type of abuse. Emotional abuse can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like repeated disapproval, non interest in communicating, or even silence.

Does it sound Familiar?

My husband wants to do what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants. He is emotionally absent even when he is home. To date, my husband has not shown or expressed love or affection saying that he cannot display affection. But he does that with other people.

He refuses to resolve the smallest of conflicts. Infact he denies there is a conflict. If I gently try to express hurt, he denies he has done wrong. He is a master at making excuses. He is generally indifferent towards me—not caring about what I did in a day’s time, not interested in the things I say, and certainly has no desire to share anything about his life with me. But at the end of the day he wants (and often demands) to be treated with care, love, affection, and with load of respect.

If I suggest an alternative idea to any of his plans, he perceives me as trying to control him. He does not like to be questioned or challenged. It annoys him. He is self-absorbed—his time is his time; his activities are his activities, things purchased by him are his, etc. His definition of family is his parents and siblings. I wonder what importance my kids and I have in his life. I take care of our (mine and my kids) expenses and requirements.

If he spends any money on us, he reminds it time and gain in front of friends and relatives, but does not mind purchasing expensive gifts for his family (brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews).  He also forgets to mention that he rarely spends any money on us. His life is centered around making calls to his friends and “family”. So, to the outside world, he is caring, a charmer, a communicator.

 This does not mean that only men behave this way. I used “husband” as the villian in this example, probably because I am a woman and also becuase I have seen men indulge in kind of behaviour.

Emotional abuse is defined as behavior designed to degrade/humiliate someone by attacking their self-value. It takes place in the form of shaming, blaming, intimidating, dismissing, and/or making threats.  Whatever form it takes, the effects for the abused individual can be crippling. Initially the victim does not even realize what is happening because nobody expects a spouse to be so abusive.

Emotional abuse in a marriage is such a covert form of domestic violence and abuse—you may not even recognize that you are a victim or be aware that your partner has stripped you off your self-esteem respect, and happiness. You may have a feeling that something is wrong. You may feel stressed out, unhappy, unimportant, isolated, disillusioned, and depressed. Yet, you can not quite identify what is causing those feelings. This state of confusion is usually caused due to emotional abuse.

Married couples often fight, but emotional abuse is different than an occasional outburst of anger.  In case of a fight, the person responsible for the fight is usually  remorseful after the encounter is over. The angry person offers a sincere apology later, in an attempt to heal the rift that the hurt (due to argument) has caused. This is not the case in an emotionally abusive situation.

Cycle of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse is a cycle or pattern of behavior designed to control, manipulate, or force submission. Emotional abuse often follows a pattern.

    • Phase I: The abuser breaks down all forms of communication. This builds-up tension in the relationship.

      Any attempt on your part to talk or communicate with the person is futile—it is faced by absolute silence. To maintain this silence, they just walk away, lock them selves in the bathroom/bedroom, or make all possible attempt to instigate you into an argument which you want to avoid.

    • Phase II: This involves the actual incidents of verbal and emotional abuse.
    • Phase III: It involves reconciliation. The abuser offers lame excuses, blames the victim, and denies the abuse occurred.

      The abuser will try to prove that you has got it all wrong—blame it on misunderstanding from your part or anything else. “you did not understand what I said“, “your didn’t understand the language and hence misunderstood what I said“, “I was trying to be funny”, “it was a joke, but you don’t understand jokes, “you are not intellegent enough to understand what I say“, and lots more.

    • Phase IV: In this phase, there is calm. The victim tries to forget the incident and get along with life.

Then, after a few days, the cycle repeats itself.

Hope you are now able to spot the people who involve in emotion abuse. If you are the victim, try to analyse the stuation and get some help. Read on….