Effects of L­a­ck of Com­m­u­n­ica­tion­

Lack of communication affects the whole personality of the human being—-personal, professional and social life. If you don’t communicate with your partners, they will feel lonely and isolated which might make them emotionally vulnerable and make them withdraw from social activities. Lack of communication creates a chain of problems. One thing leads to another, which results in another problem.

  1.  Lack of Intimacy: Lack of communication causes loss of romance. Men and women think and communicate differently when it comes to intimacy. Sex and romance are topics that many couples don’t talk about openly, even today. This failure to communicate can build walls and barriers and ultimately destroy the relationship. If a woman does not communicate her needs, likes, and/or dislikes, she ends up feeling disrespected. A man who does not communicate his desires will be unsatisfied because he ends up feeling that his partner doesn’t want to satisfy his needs.
  2. Depression: When romance flies out a relationship, healthy intimacy will be missing too. Lack of communication coupled with lack of intimacy, care, and affection will further strain relation and you are bound to feel depressed. As you know depression is a root cause of other problems and ailments.
  3. Loneliness: When there is almost no communication and when conversation goes nowhere, and when depression and lack of intimacy creeps in, partners feel disconnected from each other. You sense the feeling of loneliness even when living in the same house. The couple no longer talk about themselves, the kids family, or what happened at the office. They lead separate lives and have different set of friends. This makes them feel even more isolated.
  4. Arguments: Lack of communication results in unsettled issues which further leads to tension and harsh words. They talk to one another, but don’t actually communicate. If ego creeps into this situation, then the couple usually ends up communicating through blame and shame. Then, they engage in name calling, mud-slinging, and accusations. Hence, their arguments either remain unresolved or will probably get worse.
  5. Failing Relationship: Lack of communication can break existing as well as potential relationships. It creates a sense of dissatisfaction, confusion, restlessness and fear between partners. It also affects relationship with family members, friends, as well as at work place. Failing to communicate on a regular basis can cause people in a relationship to feel less connected to one another.
  6. Separation: One of the most important aspects of a successful relationship is effective communication between both parties. Lack of communication in a relationship can result in hasty decisions that can even lead to separation. We need to understand the reasons behind communication breakdown and how they can be avoided to ensure a fulfilling relationship.
  7. Children: Lack of communication can even affect children. It is not a good idea to get the children involved in all these whirlpool.

Open communication happens when there is love, respect and mutual understanding in the relationship. Do not take your spouse for granted. Many times we forget to say those three magical words, ‘I love you’. Share your worries with each other, stand by your spouse in all his/her endeavours, and support your spouse.

If the issues are not fixed in time, the lack of communication eventually it leads to separation. So express yourself to your partner, talk about the problems in your life, share your deepest fears and secrets with each other, and cherish the best moments of life together. It will make you come closer and will make you bond stronger. So before you criticize your spouse and say that he/she speaks to you loudly (literally screams), evaluate if it is because of you.

You are probably not being attentive or listening what your spouse says, which makes them raise their voice. If that is the case, you are at fault and you cannot point fingers saying “You scream and shout causing the argument. I am usually quite.”

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Causes of Lack of Communication: Part II

Continued from Causes of Lack of Communication: Part I

  • Birth of baby: When both a young couple become parents for the first time, they are overwhelmed with the sudden set of responsibilities showered on them. Hence, birth of the first baby can sometimes cause lapse of communication between the couple. The mother has to give more time to the baby and is always tried. The father has to spend time helping out at night, causing burnout during day time. As a result the couple barely get time or chance to sit and talk peacefully. They can, but it takes a little bit of flexibility, planning, and effort.When they talk there are more complaints, problems, and disagreements to talk about. They end up arguing over trivial issues such as what the baby needs and who will take on what responsibilities. When things get out of control they stop their communication altogether and become withdrawn. Again, I would like to add that maturity, understanding, and concern plays a big role in situations as this.
  • Lack of love: When you are no longer in love with your spouse, you probably are not interested in communicating as well. If you find yourself not in love with your partner, ask yourself what are the reasons. Is it because you have found someone else? If yes, it is probably time to move on rather than stay in a stale, unhappy, and troubling relationship. If not, try to find the love that you two once shared. Give it a chance rather than walking away from it.
  • Ego: Ego sprouts problems and arguments between spouses. This in turn affects the communication between them. When the lines of communication fail, both you and your partner will stop discussing about your mutual or personal issues.  Learn to accept each other’s opinions and focus on the similarities that you two share when you argue.Some couples can sit in a room and not say a word to each other for hours—this is because they are grounded in the foundation of their love. But if you feel that the lack of constant conversation is hurting your relationship, take the initiative.Good and open communication is essential in the relationship of a husband and wife to ensure that both partners understand each other. So, whenever there is some problem in a marriage, it becomes important for the partners to communicate properly and should never choose the silent path, as it might lead the path towards the court.
  • Fear of anger: When there is a distrust and ego in a relationship, there is fear of dirty, angry verbal exchange. This is another factor that causes lack of direct communication. Most of the human beings back off from a fight because they fear it, causing lack of communication. The essential ingrediant of problem solving is open communication. But fear of anger or inacceptance may not allow you to do so. But you need to know that relationships can only exist only if you have the habit of resolving differences.
  • Nagging/embarrassing:Nagging and embarrassing are two different things. But then, both of them result in one thing—your spouse may not want to listen to you. From personal experience, I would like to say there will barely be any communication if you are always nagging and blaming your partner for everything wrong that happens. You should also ensure not to embarrass your spouse for the heck of doing it. As a result, they may not want to listen to you because they know what you are going to say and in which track your discussion is going to go.

Ram worked in a senior position in a well-known firm. He was good at his work, but apart from that he was disinterested in any other activities. On the other hand, Roshini, his wife, who also worked in a good position in an organization, had diverse hobbies. She was a voracious reader, an excellent cook, a good painter, and a wonderful dancer. Roshini not only balanced her work life and personal life very well, but also took care of her son’s studies herself.Every one appreciated her talent and some women also named her to be their role model.

Ram was jealous of his the appreciation his wife enjoyed. Since he was not interested in actually doing anything to gain some appreciation himself, he started taunting and embarrassing Roshini in the presence of their friends. Ram would say things like, “Roshini is so busy that she gets time to have bath only once a week.”

Things reached to such a level that Ram actually began enjoying the insults he showered on Roshini. He felt good about it. He started displaying this behavior even without an audience. Ram does not realize that by insulting his wife in public, he was displaying his upbringing, his behavior, and his character (or lack of it) in public.  On the other hand, Roshini initially ignored this behavior, but when it reached a point when the topic of discussion reached a personal level she began to resent it. She initially asked Ram to stop such talks. When he did not, and stated doing it frequently, she slowly stopped communicating with Ram.

This case is basically about respecting your spouse. Here Ram is disrespecting your spouse because he is unsure about himself and is incapable.  Roshini had a valid reason to disrespect Ram. He has been displaying and showing all the behavior to earn disrespect. Be true to yourself, does nagging/ embarrassing really help you other than feed your already bloated ego?Before you start looking out for defects in your partner, you must first take a stock yourself. You have problems, issues, and drawbacks just like everyone else does. Your relationships will go far if you will stop pointing out the minor and insignificant things about your spouse, especially in front of friends and relatives.

  • Distance: Distance results in lack of communication and eventually total breakdown of communication. This happens when you don’t live together for a long time. If your partner has to live somewhere else due to work factors, make sure you two talk on a regular basis and meet often. Never let distance come in the way of your love. Though long distant relationships are hard to manage, stick with it no matter what happens. Once you have a made a decision, stick by it and try to make it work.

 You may presume silence as dignity and being in control. But, silence is the killer of a relationship. Infact, it does not even allow a relationship to be formed. So it is very important to know the cause of lack of communication and try to fix it. No, if a person is not interested in accepting that is a problem in him/her and does not want to fix the problem, it is an another issue altogether.

Like any good thing in life you need to work on all the aspects of a relationship to make it work. It is not easy, but if you need to do it, not for the others, but for you.

Causes of Lack of Communication: Part I

In any relat­i­o­n­shi­p, silence­ whether it is intentionally or unintentionally, is a si­gn­ o­f­ f­ault­y co­mmun­i­cat­i­o­n­. Infact, it is a danger signal that you need to heed to on an immediate basis. Communication in a marriage does not mean agreeing with each other. It means talking and/or discussing about anything and everything—day-to-day happenings, children, problems, issues, house, interiors, family, and in short, any topic under the sun. Communication is very important in for sustaining a relationship.

Not conveying proper feeling, inappropriate facial expressions, and saying things that hurt the partner can destroy any relationship (professional and/or personal). Leaving out essential/important details in your communication, not listening actively, not saying the right thing, and saying the wrong things, prevent you from being able to properly communicate, affecting the relationship.

You may do more talking and have forgotten about listening. You may feel that you are always correct and the other person is always wrong. You may not do any self analysis or self-criticism but continuously criticize your partner. You rarely hear what people are are saying to you and don’t put in effort to try to change what has disturbed or wounded them. As a result of this, you end up not communicating with your partner. There can be one or more reasons for lack of communication. Some of the causes for lack of communication are as follows:

  • Broken family: People who grow up in families that communicated grow up to be naturally good communicators and are cooperative in nature. They have seen their parents do it and inculcate the behavior. Hence they usually try to immediately fix any issues that arise in their marriage. But some unlucky souls do not get the opportunity to grow in a well-knit family and do not learn those skills as youngsters. Some of them continue with the same behavior in their own marriage.

A few of them understand the problems caused by such surroundings/environment and try to avoid it in their own marriage. They try to rectify the factors that caused problems in their parent’s relationship. This is called learning from other’s mistakes and creating a good life for yourself and your family. A few others live in self denial. They feel, “This is what I have been through and so this is how I will be.” Adults have to be mature enough to understand what is important for them, their families, and their kids.

  • Stress at work:We all know that stress of work makes a person easily irritated, withdrawn, and reserved. Earlier, men used to be the bread winner and women looked after the homely duties. So if men had work related stress, women used to be the calming factor for them.  If one of the partner is stressed, the other is in a situation to help listen to the problem and may be solve it too. It is another thing that in many cases, men don’t want to seem vulnerable and hence don’t like to discuss problems with their partners.But now, there are many cases of both the spouses are earning members. For a woman, it is no longer work for additional income, it is about following her dreams in form of a career.  But when both the partners are in such a stressful state, they both may not be in a condition to listen to each other’s problem. In a such a situation, you should be able to understand your spouse’s condition because you are undergoing it yourself. This should make you feel comfortable in openly discussing your issue with your spouse. Matured people will be able to handle such a situation very well.
  • Busy lifestyle: These days women are also career oriented and are individualistic. Both men and women believe in personal space, but too much of space only widens the gap between the spouses. Most couples believe in individualistic activities and get busy with their own separate activities—work, hobbies, children related activities, and friends, among other things. They have a busy life in separate directions and barely find time to communicate with each other.
  • Financial problems: Sometimes, financial problems can also be the cause of communication breakdown between spouses. Men may not want to speak of financial problems/issues as they feel it shows off their failure. Women like to openly discuss it with their respective husbands as they feel it will provide some emotional support to them. It also gives them a good idea about how much control they need to have over the expenses.Unfortunately, when you try to resolve money issues, you may usually end up arguing, which might result in more problems. Eventually you stop discussing other things in an effort to stop discussing finance related matters. Slowly you start hiding your personal and professional problems from your spouse because of the fear that it might irritate them even more. You need to remember that lack of communication is the first baby step towards a failed marriage. Hence, you should assure to keep the communication flow going!
  • Distrust: Sometimes communication breakdown is caused due to mistrust and doubts you may have about the loyalty of your partner. Instead of making any effort of discussing your doubts with them, you probably start observing their actions and reactions. Instead of speaking openly with your partners, you may end up talking to a third person.As a rule, don’t wash your linen in public—try to resolve your problems in marriage yourself, with the help of your partner. Discuss, find out what the issue is, and try to fix it. The third person should not be a friend or relative—it should only be a marriage counselor.
  • No respect:If you are not listening to your partner or if he/she is not listening to you, there IS something seriously wrong. If there is no other reason for this lack of attention, it is usually due to lack of respect. There must be mutual respect in a marriage—you must respect the person that you are married to and your spouse must respect you.If you are in a relationship that lacks respect, it is usually better to end it! But if you want to try, make a list of all the positives and negatives in your spouse. Check if there is any negative you can overlook and/or ignore. Make a comparison of the existing positives and the negatives. If the positives are far more than the negatives (let’s say 10:2), and your non respect is due to one of the 2 factors, go ahead and have a discussion. Tell your spouse that the disrespect causes a major problem for you, but that you want to give a try in maintaining the relationship because his/her positives weigh more than his/her negatives.

continued….

Bloated Ego

All humans come equipped with a certain level of ego. Even infants have ego. Healthy ego, also called self-esteem, is good for one’s well-being and necessary for any relationship. Unhealthy ego (over-blown ego or little ego) causes problems.

Partners with over-blown egos will only think of themselves and having their own needs met in  the relationship. A person with little ego or less self worth will give in to the other partner just to please them. Clash of egos spells D-O-O-M in a relationship. Partners can choose to let or not to let ego affect their married life. In a relationship, you must put ego aside and make the partner and the relationship the priority. Only then will love and respect increase ad flourish between you and your partner.

I remember my mom once said to me, to be able to truly love yourself and to truly be able to love someone else, you must drop your ego. If ego is too strong even in one person, then there is bound to be a lot of problems and issues in the relationship. It depends on the person how he or she wants to deal with the situation. The person has to take effort to understand the situation and  handle it accordingly. A little compromise is required. Else, there is really no point in being in a relationship.

Suraj is a manager in an IT company, married to Sandhya who also works in an IT company. On Sandhya’s first birthday after marriage, Suraj did not wish her. When Sandhya asked Suraj, he said that he never celebrated his birthday before and so he does not feel the need to wish someone else. Sandhya tried to change his attitude, but now, even after 15 years of marriage, he refuses to wish Sandhya or their teenage son on their birthdays!

Suraj had to be mature enough to realize that Sandhya is not “someone else” and that he is a married man. Instead of giving this bloody excuse, two words “Happy birthday” would have made Sandhya’s day instead of spoiling it.

  • Is Suraj’s behavior helping him in any way? NO
  • Does it give him happiness seeing the pain his son goes through when his father does not wish him? Probably
  • Does this behavior earn him a sense of importance from either his wife or son? Definitely not
  • Does this behavior earn him respect from either his wife or son? Definitely not
  • Does this strengthen their relationship? NO
  • Does this show him as “responsible” adult? NO
  • Do people admire him for this behavior? NO. They think there is something wrong with him.

Suraj’s ego does not allow him to agree that he is doing wrong and hence he keeps up with his behavior even though it causes pain to the others. This is what ego does to a person, then to the people around them, and to their relationship. Unfortunately, a highly egoistic person is so blinded that he/she cannot see beyond what they think and they feel that what they think is RIGHT!

If people constantly find problem in your behavior and you end up either defending yourself or not ready to listen, it means there IS a problem with you. You just need to step back, see the situation as an outsider. You will realize that all the problems will be solved if you keep aside your excess your ego, listen carefully to what’s really being said, and use it to correct and/or improve your behaviour.

This will also help in reducing fights between you and your partner. Allowing ego to come in between you and your loved ones, will only ruin your relationship and marriage. An egoistic person can never respect the emotions and feelings of his/her partner. This will hurt their partner’s feelings and eventually the affected partner’s love towards the egoistic person will diminish gradually.

Asking for apology does not mean that you were wrong or that the other person was right. It simply means that your relationship is more valuable to you than your ego!!

No Commitment

Many married couples go separate ways citing irreconcilable differences as the reason! If you know the reason, you should be able to fix it. The most important reason why marriage does not work is lack of commitment and/or not marrying for the right reason.  If you have never seen an example of a healthy marriage, either in family or friendship circles, you will have a difficult time finding that for yourself. I am not a professional counselor, but I have observed human relations long enough to make some observations.

Commitment is the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, or a relationship. Demonstrating commitment requires a lot of determination, persistence and hard work. Wavering commitment is usually seen as no commitment at all. Genuine commitment stands the test of time. Just like other factors (communication, respect, etc.) commitment is a two-way process—others will commit to you only if you show certain level of commitment— you get it only if you are willing to give it.

The fear of making permanent commitments can change the mutual love of husband and wife into two loves of self-two loves existing side by side, until they end in separation. —Pope John Paul II

Commitment is a virtue which is missing from the marriages of today. People get into the constitution of marriage with a “open mind” as they call it—an open mind to move on and get along with their respective lives when they face even a small problem.  Earlier, people used to get married and take an oath to remain together and try to get the marriage working no matter what. They walked into a marriage with commitment in their minds. Hence, they put in effort to get the marriage work and so it worked!!

Does this sound familiar:

I have been married for seven years and we have a son. My husband is no longer there for me—he never was. He hardly talks to me when he comes home from work. He never asks about my day, the things that interest me, or hurts me. He is disinterested in knowing my wellbeing as well. When I go to talk to him, he walks away. The only way I get him to hear something is by following him. Sometime I have to raise my voice so that he hears what I say. After that he comments about how loud I speak and cause unhealthy environment at home.

He treats his friends better than he treats me. He spends more time with them, laughs, and enjoys with them. He has never done that with me, not even when we were newly married. He liked photography and I wanted to learn from him, but he said it is not my cup of tea. He loves cricket, so did I, but he preferred watching it only with his friends at their place or by inviting them home. As a result, I now hate cricket!   He does not respect who I am and what concerns me. Infact he looks for ways to ridicule me.

The only time he looked at me or said to words to me was when we got on bed. Earlier, I submitted to his fancies thinking it will probably bring him closer to me. But over the years I have began to hate this non-existing intimacy—it made me feel like a prostitute—he just walks away as though he does not know me!!

Earlier I thought that I needed to do something to make the relationship work, but what can I do when there is no positive response from the other side? Most importantly, it is taking a toll on my son’s emotional level. He has become a rebel and tells me how loving, respectful, and caring the other fathers are!! What should I do?

Here, the husband seems to have walked into the marriage with no sense of commitment. Unfortunately, a woman usually wants to feel the sense of belonging, which is one of the most desired states of the human relationship. You feel secure when you feel that you belong to somebody. Don’t mistake it to being owned. But this does not mean that only a man has no sense of commitment—some men are committed, and some are not. Similarly, some women are committed and some are not!!

Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.— Tom Robbins

Commitment is the part of the relationship that provides safety and security, so couples can express their thoughts, feelings, and desires openly. The couples that were willing to make sacrifices within their relationships are more effective in solving their problems. This results in slower rates of deterioration in the relationship. When you are committed, you have the confidence that you will make it through the day-to-day challenges, tension, stress, and situations that is capable of tearing a marriage apart. Commitment offers couples a desire to sacrifice for each other. This takes forward their future together.

If you feel that there is lack of commitment and hence closeness between you and your spouse, try to do the following. But a word of caution, this can happen only if both the partners want their to relationship to work and work on it.

  1. Create a commitment statement. Try to include certain rules and boundaries that strengthen the marriage.
  2. Greet each other: Make it a point to greet each other every day—in the morning, when one goes out and comes back to the house. Saying a good morning, bye, welcome back home, good night, etc. is a good thing to start with.
  3. Adapt to physical greeting: When you greet make it a habit to give a hug or a kiss—these are physical gestures which also has a “feel good” factor. It is a special gesture to reinforce the commitment of spouses.
  4. Spend time together. Make time for each other. Spend both quality and quantity time together. Discuss work, political happenings, family issues, movies, books, etc. These are some things that you can start with. Try to spend time together, just the two of you without kids around you. This is a stepping stone towards strengthening and reinforcing the bonds of marriage.
  5. Do activities together: Do some activity (with or without kids)—watch a nice movie, visit friends, play some game, etc. This helps topromote connection in relationships. Doing activities on a daily basis can help a couple grow closer and strengthen understanding commitment.
  6. Talk about positive things: Spend some time talking about positive things that has happened in your life. Also talk about hopes and dreams—somethingyou are looking forward to. Talking about future-oriented reasons for committing to one another can renew desire preserve the relationship. This will strengthen the current commitment.
  7. Be friends with your spouse. Friendship is a commitment. So, start your relationship with friendship. Then, you don’t have to look out for people outside marriage to talk to and confide in. You have each other. Share your problems, discuss them, give/take suggestions. This improves trust and hence your commitment towards the relationship.
  8. Perform religious activities: In India there is no lack of festivities or traditional rituals.  Take an effort to do Pooja or rituals together. Traditions are important in building meaning and significance in the marriage. It not only get the partners together, but also helps in maintaining and passing traditional believes to the children.
  9. Do small acts of kindness: While it may be easy to take advantage of what your spouse gives for the benefit of the relationship, everyone desires to feel acknowledged. Doing a chore, bringing home a special gift, or sending a loving note are all simple but effective ways of showing respect and dedication to your spouse and the marriage.
  10. Make intimacy a positive time for connection. This ultimate expression of commitment should be a special time that both spouses can look forward to.

One important thing to remember is that if a problem creates havoc in your marriage or if you have done something to deeply hurt your partner, it is absolutely necessary to reaffirm your commitment. You have to sort out the issue immediately, or ask for forgiveness. But that is not the only time when you should let your spouse know that you care for him/her.

Treat your spouse to random acts of attention on a regular basis. Whether you like it or not, it goes a long way in keeping those marital bonds tight. You don’t have to be ashamed or afraid to tell your spouse you are committed. Put your pride aside and let your spouse hear those words from you.

No Respect in Marriage

You can respect a person you don’t love, but unfortunately, you can’t love a person you don’t respect. So, respect is the first and foremost ingredient to a thriving and everlasting marriage. Respect is the catalyst for all beautiful things in a relationship. Respect also enhances trust, connection, affection, care, and love. Unfortunately, respect in all its simplicity is easily overlooked, leading to criticism, disrespect, and all the ugliness in the relationship.

When one partner consistently feels dismissed, rejected, and condescended to, you need to realize that something is wrong. Most of the time, the partners do not communicate the problems and you end up wondering why the other person is behaving strangely. If your partner mentions the problems don’t dismiss it or don’t laugh at it. Try to mend those issues. Your partner is talking to you sharing the problem with you because he/she thinks you care and will do something about it.

Ridiculing will break that trust. Breaking that trust in a negative manner will break the respect. Without respect, there will be no love. Without respect, there can be no relationship. When there is no love, respect, or a strong relationship, the partner will not risk sharing their problems with you.

Without care and attention, every relationship can slip into disengagement and subsequent loss of respect. It is easy to ignore the positive traits of your partner and failing to cultivate them cultivating them. Maintaining respect and appreciation for your mate will be one of the best investments you will make in your marriage. 

Rani had positive dreams about her marriage, an arranged marriage. She dreamt of a loving, caring, and supporting husband. She looked forward to knowing her husband, his likes and dislikes, and properly take on her new responsibilities. In the first few months of her wedding, Rani was surprised and pained to see that Kunal, her husband did not leave a single opportunity to insult her, especially in front of his friends and relatives.

Rani requested Kunal not to make her a butt of his jokes and told him that it hurt her a lot. Instead of understanding Rani’s feeling and respecting the fact that she made a request instead of arguing with him, Kunal promptly replied that she was being extra sensitive and that she should learn to take the jokes to her stride.

 Kunal should have spent time getting to know his wife better, communicating with her and giving her the support she needed. This would have helped Kunal in earning Rani’s love, affection, trust, and respect. Instead, he himself was responsible for not letting that process happen at all. Inspite to Rani’s repeated request he was not ready to stop insulting her. Unfortunately, he was also not ready to understand that Rani could not respect him because of this behavior of his. Kunal’s argument was since he is THE husband, he deserves Rani’s respect. Does he?

Just like other factors respect is a two-way process—you get respect only if you respect others. Respect begets respect. You should also be able to command the respect. That is, just respecting the other’s and their feelings is not enough, you should earn the respect and then retain it as well. You don’t want to have to ask for it, respect is something that should come naturally.

There are signs for recognizing disrespect in a marriage—you just feel it or you don’t. So if during the courtship, you feel that you think that you are not getting the respect from your to-be partner, don’t make any kind of commitment even if you love that person. Respect manifests itself in many ways. It is in the little things your partner says casually and the little gestures that will tell whether or not he/she respects you.

Does your partner do the following:

  • Wash dirty linen in public too often/frequently?
  • Insult you in front of your kids?
  • Reveal intimate details about you or kids to his/her friends?
  • Ridicule you by saying he/she wishes you were not around?
  • Make fun of you in public?
  • Embarrass you in front of the others?
  • Make fun of you limitations in public?
  • Act as though you were not around when he/she is with friends?
  • Make all decisions on his/her own without asking you for yours, especially in matters that involve the family or the house?

[If your answer is YES, then there is a major problem]

  • Wish you on your birthday and anniversaries?
  • Appreciate your effort for doing something special for the family?
  • Go out of his/her way to please you and say things that make you feel good?
  • Occasionally  make you feel special, if not every time?
  • Recognize your positive and encourage you to do well?
  • Recognize your limitations and offer support to overcome it?
  • Show genuine respect for your parents and siblings?
  • Speak of you parents and siblings with love?

[If your answer is NO, then there is a major problem]

Why Marriages Fail?

Marriage is the strongest and the most sincere commitment you make in a relationship. Two people with completely different ideas, hobbies and walks of life come together with the hope of spending rest of their lives in each other’s company.

Living together means a lot of adjustment on micro level that romantic books/movies and courtship period do not prepare you for. There is a lot adjustments when sharing a bedroom/bathroom/bed, eating habits, sleeping habits, varied friends, entertainment habits and type, work timing, commitment, in-laws, and the list goes on. Life can get very complicated when you have to adjust to all these new things.

In an Indian family, especially in an arranged marriage, the woman has to suddenly make so many adjustments. So having a happily functional marriage requires a lot of thought, effort, compromise, and hard work by both the spouses. The woman has to make the adjustments adapting to the new environment and changes.

The man has to make the adjustments by sharing things, time, and space with another person, that is, his wife. He also has to ensure that his wife feels comfortable, respected, and secure. This will make the wife feel safe with him. She slowly starts to trust her husband, then respect him for his support and help, and eventually fall in love with him. If the support, care, help, and respect fron the husband is missing right from the start of the marriage, the basic foundation of the marriage just cannot be formed.

Hence, it is true to say that this tender relationship called marriage is a union of mind and soul, tied by flimsy strings of love, trust, respect, and intimacy. Even if one string snaps out, the relation can go for a toss. Unfortunately, even if you have a loving relationship now, there is no guarantee that it will last the test of time even in the near future.

A healthy marriage requires a lot of work and patience from both the spouses. However hard one spouse tries to make the marriage work, it will not, if both the parties do not put in similar effort. If you are the only person trying and making all the compromises, the relationship is really not worth it. In that case, it is true to say that your spouse is not worth all the effort you are taking. Small misunderstandings and innocent mistakes can soon build into a mountain and the relationship starts dying.

“Happy marriage begins when we marry the ones we love and blossom when we love the ones we marry.” Tom Mullen

Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. But the fact still remains that today, many marriages are just thriving on endurance. Hence, it is important to take heed of the marriage problem signs as soon as possible.

Some of the common issues are:

  1.  Marrying for the wrong reason
  2. No commitment: https://sajithajayaprakash.wordpress.com/2012/08/30/no-commitment/
  3. No respect for spouse: https://sajithajayaprakash.wordpress.com/2012/08/30/no-respect-in-marriage/
  4. Bloated ego: https://sajithajayaprakash.wordpress.com/2012/08/30/bloated-ego/
  5. Lack of communication
  6. Poor listening skills
  7. Excess Responsibilities
  8. I don’t care attitude (indifference)
  9. Taking each other for granted
  10. Lack of love and affection
  11. Lack of I­n­­t­i­mac­y­
  12. Still feeling “I, me, myself”
  13. Having unrealistic expectations
  14. Not fighting fairly
  15. Playing the blame game

A relationship can survive most things if both people involved in it are committed to the other person and act with respect toward the other. It helps to survive the death of parents, being childless, career changes, layoffs, further education, lack of finance, and/or lack of luxury.

People often feel that marriage brings security in a relationship. It is probably because marriage is registered, legalized. Usually when there is a sense of security, people feel that there is no need to further work on it to improve it. The same happens with marriage as well.

Try to work on these issues and have a happy marriage. After all, you have one life and it is better it you enjoy your life and let the other enjoy their lives to the fullest!