Causes of Lack of Communication: Part I

In any relat­i­o­n­shi­p, silence­ whether it is intentionally or unintentionally, is a si­gn­ o­f­ f­ault­y co­mmun­i­cat­i­o­n­. Infact, it is a danger signal that you need to heed to on an immediate basis. Communication in a marriage does not mean agreeing with each other. It means talking and/or discussing about anything and everything—day-to-day happenings, children, problems, issues, house, interiors, family, and in short, any topic under the sun. Communication is very important in for sustaining a relationship.

Not conveying proper feeling, inappropriate facial expressions, and saying things that hurt the partner can destroy any relationship (professional and/or personal). Leaving out essential/important details in your communication, not listening actively, not saying the right thing, and saying the wrong things, prevent you from being able to properly communicate, affecting the relationship.

You may do more talking and have forgotten about listening. You may feel that you are always correct and the other person is always wrong. You may not do any self analysis or self-criticism but continuously criticize your partner. You rarely hear what people are are saying to you and don’t put in effort to try to change what has disturbed or wounded them. As a result of this, you end up not communicating with your partner. There can be one or more reasons for lack of communication. Some of the causes for lack of communication are as follows:

  • Broken family: People who grow up in families that communicated grow up to be naturally good communicators and are cooperative in nature. They have seen their parents do it and inculcate the behavior. Hence they usually try to immediately fix any issues that arise in their marriage. But some unlucky souls do not get the opportunity to grow in a well-knit family and do not learn those skills as youngsters. Some of them continue with the same behavior in their own marriage.

A few of them understand the problems caused by such surroundings/environment and try to avoid it in their own marriage. They try to rectify the factors that caused problems in their parent’s relationship. This is called learning from other’s mistakes and creating a good life for yourself and your family. A few others live in self denial. They feel, “This is what I have been through and so this is how I will be.” Adults have to be mature enough to understand what is important for them, their families, and their kids.

  • Stress at work:We all know that stress of work makes a person easily irritated, withdrawn, and reserved. Earlier, men used to be the bread winner and women looked after the homely duties. So if men had work related stress, women used to be the calming factor for them.  If one of the partner is stressed, the other is in a situation to help listen to the problem and may be solve it too. It is another thing that in many cases, men don’t want to seem vulnerable and hence don’t like to discuss problems with their partners.But now, there are many cases of both the spouses are earning members. For a woman, it is no longer work for additional income, it is about following her dreams in form of a career.  But when both the partners are in such a stressful state, they both may not be in a condition to listen to each other’s problem. In a such a situation, you should be able to understand your spouse’s condition because you are undergoing it yourself. This should make you feel comfortable in openly discussing your issue with your spouse. Matured people will be able to handle such a situation very well.
  • Busy lifestyle: These days women are also career oriented and are individualistic. Both men and women believe in personal space, but too much of space only widens the gap between the spouses. Most couples believe in individualistic activities and get busy with their own separate activities—work, hobbies, children related activities, and friends, among other things. They have a busy life in separate directions and barely find time to communicate with each other.
  • Financial problems: Sometimes, financial problems can also be the cause of communication breakdown between spouses. Men may not want to speak of financial problems/issues as they feel it shows off their failure. Women like to openly discuss it with their respective husbands as they feel it will provide some emotional support to them. It also gives them a good idea about how much control they need to have over the expenses.Unfortunately, when you try to resolve money issues, you may usually end up arguing, which might result in more problems. Eventually you stop discussing other things in an effort to stop discussing finance related matters. Slowly you start hiding your personal and professional problems from your spouse because of the fear that it might irritate them even more. You need to remember that lack of communication is the first baby step towards a failed marriage. Hence, you should assure to keep the communication flow going!
  • Distrust: Sometimes communication breakdown is caused due to mistrust and doubts you may have about the loyalty of your partner. Instead of making any effort of discussing your doubts with them, you probably start observing their actions and reactions. Instead of speaking openly with your partners, you may end up talking to a third person.As a rule, don’t wash your linen in public—try to resolve your problems in marriage yourself, with the help of your partner. Discuss, find out what the issue is, and try to fix it. The third person should not be a friend or relative—it should only be a marriage counselor.
  • No respect:If you are not listening to your partner or if he/she is not listening to you, there IS something seriously wrong. If there is no other reason for this lack of attention, it is usually due to lack of respect. There must be mutual respect in a marriage—you must respect the person that you are married to and your spouse must respect you.If you are in a relationship that lacks respect, it is usually better to end it! But if you want to try, make a list of all the positives and negatives in your spouse. Check if there is any negative you can overlook and/or ignore. Make a comparison of the existing positives and the negatives. If the positives are far more than the negatives (let’s say 10:2), and your non respect is due to one of the 2 factors, go ahead and have a discussion. Tell your spouse that the disrespect causes a major problem for you, but that you want to give a try in maintaining the relationship because his/her positives weigh more than his/her negatives.



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